Thirty-five for my heart, never to be broken again!

The conclusion to my trilogy exploring my 30-something, post-divorce journey about redefining love, nurturing solitude and fighting heartbreak.

“Samantha – what is the way to your heart?”

“It’s closed. Please take a U-turn.”

[Laughter]

The rapid fire continued with some more witty and insightful remarks from Samantha Ruth Prabhu, an Indian actress who has predominantly worked in several critically acclaimed and commercially successful Tamil and Telugu films.

This meme-worthy clip is from the 3rd episode of the 7th Season of Koffee with Karan – a talk show hosted by a Bollywood film director, Karan Johar. The show can be called ‘frivolous’ or ‘entertaining’ depending your mood for the day, but this rapid-fire segment has garnered widespread notoriety over the years and, undeniably, its own fan base.

Arguably, this was one of the few rapid-fires I genuinely enjoyed, and after having come by this clip via social media, I walked over to my television, switched to Disney Hotstar and actually watched this entire episode. Significantly, I am now a fan of Samantha Ruth Prabhu and playing catch-up to her impressive filmography.

And I especially admire her off-screen candour and courage to talk about her health and divorce. The ease at which she remarked that her heart is now closed. It is not something you see often. There was just something about this ‘rapid-fire’ moment that resonated with me.

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Last year, this month, (Nov 2021) was when I became reacquainted with a former classmate.

Let’s call him Woke Coward (WC).

Of course, back when we met, or even “re-met”, my sentiments towards WC [an apt acronym, considering that it is also Water Closet - old-fashioned English for toilet] were not as such.

Other appropriate acronyms for WC include wild card, worst-case or even ‘Who Cares? ‘But I humbly submit that "Woke Coward" really ought to find its way into the Urban Dictionary because I am sure that there are others like him, out there.

I digress. As I was saying - back then, my opinion of Woke Coward was not at all as such. In fact, they were pleasanter and fond, because I considered him a friend. A friend with whom I really enjoyed conversing with in an honest and empathetic manner, as I caught up with his life thus far, and relived all our classes, peers, and standout moments of the program and school we attended.

In the past decade, we had occasionally met – but it was always in company, and back then, neither he nor I, were single. But in November 2021, everything was different and it all seemed momentous and magical.

Woke Coward is also a wildcard for a reason. Post my divorce since mid-2019, he was the only man/boy that somehow wheedled his way into my heart.

Five months later, he broke it.

Honestly, I have been picking up the pieces and slowly putting it back together again ever since.

Early subscribers to this blog might remember the time from April-September 2022 when my mental health, writing, and all-round creative process took a nosedive into confusion and despair.

Am happy to share that that chapter has now concluded. The shock and misery that the heartbreak caused is over, and now I can reflect and write down my lessons learned from that very short-lived relationship.

Primarily, just going over this question- how could you have let this happen to you?

As painful and uncomfortable that it is to ruminate over heartbreak, I believe it to be necessary to understand your own pattern behaviour and vulnerabilities. How else can we grow as individuals?

I used to be someone who wore her heart on her sleeve. As someone who is intuitive and emotional – there was a time when I was soft-hearted and genuinely believed in romance.

Fortunately, my inherently introverted nature and abhorrence for alcohol and tobacco, translated into minimal social interaction with boys in my early-20s.

Yes, there were heartbreaks even back then, but that is the wonderful thing about adolescence. A setback - platonic or romantic - with the opposite gender, might feel like a life experience to be had, because your heart is more resilient and hope always stays afloat.

Gradually, I developed some kind of emotional health and well-being and built some defences. And obviously, that had ruptured as my marriage ended. The pandemic provided plenty of lone time to write, renew my artistic hobbies and reflect on my marriage, the mistakes, and the triumphs of the past x many years.

I was healing and endeavouring to make my emotional self, more secure, post my divorce. This implied that I no longer harboured an illusion or expectation in romance anymore. I was cautious and my heart was well-shielded even as I slowly contemplated some kind of ‘dating’ as a thirty-something, divorced woman.

So, what was it with/about Woke Coward that led my carefully built defenses to crumble?

There are two distinct factors observed:

• Woke Coward was someone whom I knew for over a decade and genuinely considered him to be a friend. Any anxieties towards my safety due to stranger danger and ghosting were allayed because I thought I knew exactly who he was!

• As much as I hate to admit it, a part of me still wanted to believe ‘in love’. And who was I to look away from someone who was single, age-appropriate and attractive? [One of my favourite songs has these lyrics -“I wasn’t looking, but somehow you found me…”]

So yes – the shield was put aside and I wore a pair of rose-tinted glasses for three months.

Eventually, the glasses came off and I began to notice his interest and communication wane away.

My attempt to ‘end things well’ with a final, honest conversation to address whatever was causing this shift in his emotional investment was not received well, and he chose to ghost me altogether. Thereby, effectively ending whatever that was, but regretfully, even that friendship.

What no one could have prepared me for, is how devastated I felt after.

• Did it feel like the gut-wrenching betrayal that it was, because I considered him a friend who also happened to break my heart?

• Was I grieving my own foolishness that I let myself care so much for someone who is basically just an emotionally-constipated coward?

• Was it an unsettling realisation that 30-something me cannot cope with heartbreak like my 20-something self once could?

A gentle 'yes' would be an answer to all three above listed questions.

No one tells you this – but when you are heartbroken, the typical coping mechanisms you rely on to get through many of life’s challenges simply do not work! Because heartbreak is a full-on psychological injury. [Winch,G (2017)]

E.g. Your gut instinct which ordinarily helps in your day-to-day decision-making, just cannot be trusted. Heartbreak creates such dramatic emotional pain in one’s mind, that your gut convinces you that the cause must be equally dramatic. So even a reasonable person comes up with ‘what-ifs’ or ‘if-then-else’ scenarios and other conspiracy theories. Often, none of it exists. [Ibid]

No one tells you this – Heartbreak is far more insidious than we realise. Hope, which usually empowers you, can become extremely destructive when your heart is broken. You often go down one rabbit hole after another trying to solve the great mystery, but in reliving all those memories and details – you are in the same mental state as any addict going through symptoms of withdrawal.[Ibid]

No one tells you this – while heartbreak has all the hallmarks of traditional loss and grief when you lose a loved one to death - Getting over heartbreak is not a journey.

Grief is non-linear or a spiral in many directions, with many stages and one's lack of control over your turbulent emotions is inevitable. No matter how hard you try to battle it, grief is a journey. But getting over heartbreak is not a journey - it’s a fight. It's a fight to restore your sense of self, and regain your self-worth. Often, your reason to get over heartbreak, becomes your strongest weapon in that fight. [Ibid]

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The big question then is - What now?

You see, I can do nothing about Woke Coward. There are others like him and they exist everywhere.

But what I do have some control over is decisively accepting that the romantic notions of ‘being in love’ as shown in the movies, mainstream media, romantic literature or splashed all over my coupled-up friends’ social media feeds – it is just not for me.

A part of me has always known this. But the fear of being judged, my lack of belonging and even just wanting to dispel the concern of many well-wishers, would have me assure people that - "Yes! All trauma notwithstanding, my heart is still open for a ‘Mr. Right, if such a unicorn was ever available!"

But the truth is that my heart is just closed now.

Closed to this undercurrent of expectation (from society and peers) and hope (my own foolish fictionalisation) to find a cisgendered heterosexual companion who would help me fit into this construct of ‘love’ -> ‘romance’-> ‘marriage’-> ‘family’; because that is what we all are taught and conditioned is ‘normal’.

There is love to be felt and joy to be accessed and places to go and many people to meet – and I will go on to experience all that, but with firm boundaries drawn that any relationships I now seek shall be platonic, and more importantly, emotionally up lifting.

And, I am unafraid to admit that this decision is quite simply premised on minimising the odds of my having to cope with a devastating heartbreak again.

Heartbreak is that which made me dysfunctional, added a layer of loneliness that I never knew, temporarily lowered my IQ whenever I had to think rationally and solve problems and tasks, caused insomnia, loss of appetite and compromised my immune system… I really want none of it again!

There is no man I know personally, who is worth all this. Whereas, I am certainly worth enough to close my heart in self-preservation.

When I relaunched this blog as a monthly feature this September – I was aware that writing about love, solitude and heartbreak would be where to begin as this is towards my own healing and closure.

But I did not anticipate that this would become a trilogy-of-sorts!

The first one in this series was about reinterpreting the age-old Magpie Rhyme.

Following that was my last post, which was a listicle of redefining Love, where I had enumerated that: “Love is prioritising mental and physical health and well-being, above all else”.

Happily, even this list has gotten longer in the month gone by. It is truly nourishing to write down all the mundane or wonderful things/observations/happenings around me that bring one joy and make that my paradigm of Love.

As the ultimate manner of self-love, and to summarily conclude this series - this is my promise: Thirty-five for my heart never to be broken again!

Thirty-five for my heart, never to be broken again!

REFERENCES:

• TED. (2017). Guy Winch: How to fix a broken heart. Retrieved on November, 15, 2022.

• The excerpt from Samantha Ruth Prabhu's Koffee with Karan appearance that has been referenced is at Timestamp 0.36- 0.40 and can be viewed here.

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Thank you for Reading!

As mentioned, this was Part 3 and a conclusion to my series on 'Love'.

As always, ALL feedback, including constructive criticism is most welcome. I eagerly await your comments below.

PLEASE hit that tiny HEART ❤️ button if this essay resonated with you, and be sure to SUBSCRIBE for an essay every 15th day of the month!