Why I do not want to be "beautiful" anymore!

Image is powerful. But, Image is also superficial. An essay on Beauty and its barefaced lies, learned the hard way.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall - Who's the most insecure of 'em all!

“Aapka beti toh bahut khoobsurat hai. Lekin woh thoda mota hai. Aapka pain management treatment ke saath-saath uska fat loss therapy bhi karva lijiye…”

(Translation: "Your daughter is very beautiful. But she is a bit fat. With your pain management treatment, you should also get her fat loss therapy done!")

Those are the words to remember as you ponder the audacious proclamation in this essay’s title. This was said to my mother about me, very recently.

Allow me to set the scene for you.

It was around 3 pm on a slow afternoon. The doorbell rang and I bolted towards it as the masseur who we were expecting is two hours late. I needed to be somewhere else. So, I quickly usher the lady in after a polite greeting is exchanged, direct her towards my mother, make the introductions and then rush out. The total time of this interaction does not exceed 30 seconds. It was all very routine and I thought no further of it.

Three hours later, she is long-gone and that is when the above comment gets relayed to me verbatim over our evening chai with our neighbour, who has joined us for a cuppa. My mother is an excellent mimic, so our neighbour is laughing and they both are quick to applaud the lady’s ‘marketing’ skills. Within seconds, they have moved on to talking about something else.

It’s the chai-time chatter, after all.

But after I hear that comment, am unable to shake it off. In my head, the internal monologue went like this:

--> OhhhKaaay! What the … @#$% --> Yay, she thought I was beautiful - That means my acne scars have diminished. And no comments on the greying hair either! --> Mota? Ouch… but I have just lost some weight. In a few months all the yoga will do wonders… --> WAIT A MINUTE – she barely even saw me for like… 10 seconds? --> Marketing genius – that she really is. Who else finds a beauty business opportunity even when you are called to massage a woman’s joints?? -->So, am fat now! It never ends does it. Acne gone. Premature greying still here, and now weight. What next?

Allow me to provide some more context.

This summer my mother’s health took a turn because she injured her knee. She has mostly recovered but still gets this debilitating pain, now and then. Seemingly, a regular oil massage for her joints has proved to be a great pain reliever – so we scouted a lady who is an expert masseuse, who comes by weekly.

Tarana* (name changed) works at one of India’s most prolific beauty/treatment clinics in the first half of the day and moonlights in the afternoon. She is a cheerful and hard-working person whose pain relief massage expertise is something that we have come to rely on.

And now, she has inadvertently become the person to whom I owe this massive epiphany –

“Enough is Enough. Stop chasing perfection. I do not want to be “beautiful” anymore! I just want to be real.”

You see, 18-year-old me would have leapt for joy if someone, anyone would have declared me beautiful after a fleeting glance. Back then, I had acne. The really bad kind of adult acne that was splotched all over my face, back, sometimes even on my chest. It was quite typical to find me, in the corner of a room or outside the circle of friends in tears. And for no apparent reason.

Have you ever wondered what a "Painful Smile" looks like? Look no further. {Somewhere between 18-22 years old}

It wouldn’t be such a traumatic memory, but for the everyday kind interventions I would get from friends, family, peers, random strangers and chance encounters, for suggestions to cure my acne.

Once, it was an auto rickshaw driver in Pune who swore by the under skin of an overripe banana to be applied for fifteen minutes every morning for a week. And this is while I was rushing for an exam and wanted him to get on with the payment!

From toothpaste to papaya peels, steroid-heavy tablets, homeopathy, consulting multiple dermatologists, endocrinologists, gynaecologists … my skin was the guinea pig for every ‘miraculous’ form of acne treatment.

Fortunately, those days did pass. And it was not because any of those experiments really worked, come to think of it! It was just because 24-year old me stopped fixating about my acne to the point where it consumed my every. wakeful. moment.

18 year old me could "Spot at least 10 differences" here.

Yes. I am self-obsessed. But thirty-something me is aware that it is not to the crippling measure of narcissism. Am self-obsessed enough to know that I must look inward periodically – just to reflect on my own growth and perspective. I have a therapist that helps me with this.

One could argue - that if I do not obsess over myself - who else am I going to obsess about? It is what it is. We are mostly alone in this world. And if we believe ourselves not to be, then we ought to learn to be alone with ourselves, someday.

Right here and Now, I reflect on how to see myself in a world that is beauty-obsessed.

Today’s industry beauty standard is – ‘having a slim face, defined jawline, thin nose, big lips, flawless skin, no signs of acne, no signs of ageing, no stretch marks, no cellulite, no scars. Asians – especially South Asians desire white skin, meanwhile Westerners want tan, dark skin, a tall hourglass body and a flat stomach, meanwhile having large breasts, large hips and a large butt.’ [Kamit, I (2020)].

This is not a real human woman. This is a construct. A distillation of centuries of racism, sexism and a brutal colonial legacy that has homogenised a Eurocentric standard of what a “beautiful” woman ought to look like.

Furthermore, a profit greedy $532 billion worth beauty industry works actively with media outlets to “offer a distorted perception of ourselves and then uses that distorted self-image to sell us remedies for that distortion.” [Taylor, S (2021)].

In this unreal world of hyper-connectivity, image is powerful. But image is also superficial.

So the next time someone labels me <insert “Not-industry- beauty-standard -descriptive-term”> - that does not match this homogenous construct, this is what will happen.

I will politely nod and a smile, but internally, my brain shall be akin to a slow computer with dial-up internet that reprocesses this epiphany again.

Let my face bear the acne because I know that it will appear and disappear as cyclically as the moon waxes and wanes each month.

Let my body change - because my clothes just need to fit me. Not my body fit into clothes that are over a decade old.

Let my hair turn grey. I am mature. I do not need to look like a doll and I do not exist for any other person's viewing pleasure.

There is a person for whom I should exist for and ensure that she is well-loved. And that is me. So if I need to care for me and embrace my femininity to make myself feel better - then I shall also do all those treatments that make me feel empowered.

But the attitude shift has come to where I shall stop listening to the ceaseless beauty commentary, opinions and advice of others.

Unfiltered and unedited aged 34. Amen!

Because in my fairy tale - I want to be Fiona after she is rescued by Shrek and Donkey.

The one where Ogre-Fiona stands before Shrek, after True Love’s First Kiss.

Shrek: "Are you alright?"

Fiona: "Well yes, but I do not understand. I am supposed to be beautiful!"

Shrek: "But you are beautiful!"

It needs to be as simple as that!

Can I just be called beautiful without the well-meaning and unsolicited advice for the better skin/shape/hair/posture etc.?

No. Well, then I would rather just be real.

Being real is the gateway to acceptance. That every real human being is exactly like you/me - flawed, stumbling, paradoxical and yet beautiful.

REFERENCES:

• Kamit, I. [Ibrahim Kamit]. (2020, September 29). The unrealistic toxic beauty standards are deadly [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/N6FWZ-TpkFI

• Russell, C. [TED]. (2013, January 16). Looks aren’t everything. Believe me, I’m a Model [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KM4Xe6Dlp0Y

• Taylor, S. R., & Oluo, I. (2021). The Body Is Not an Apology, Second Edition: The Power of Radical Self-Love (2nd ed.). Berrett-Koehler Publishers.

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Thank you for reading! Did you enjoy that? Or did it leave with some thoughts of your own?

And are you someone who also looks at the beauty-industry and related media with a critical, discerning eye? Have you ever felt vulnerable to the beauty standards of today?

Do let me know in the comments below!